Not everyone is bestie.

As it turns out, having friend drama doesn’t make you more interesting. I never really thought it did, because I have many other interesting things that I prefer to lead with. It also feels embarrassing to have friend drama, whether you’re in the right or the wrong. Maybe I like having good, easy friendships, and I like other people to think I have good friendships, too, because I am superficial like that. Obviously I would have amazing friends….obviously.

But all friendships and friend groups and friend journeys are imperfect. That’s, like, the human condition. Even if everyone seems to be sooo happy and fun and popular on instagram. Which is how I keep up with people and their friends, for the most part. And it’s great to see that everyone is doing literally amazing, because same! I love how your photo dumps have so many candids of your friends prancing around looking hot and fun in their expensive outfits. When my friends and I do that, I’ll be sure to post it too. Just so we’re all on the same page: we are lovable, and popular, and fun, and it’s really great to be my bestie. I mean, just swipe through my PHOTO DUMP. Don’t you want to be my friend? Don’t you want my life?

I’m not saying people use their fun photo dumps to hide a reality where they aren’t having a fun and amazing life. I’m not saying they aren’t eating the pasta they posted because they look skinny in a bathing suit. What I am saying is we always forget nuance. Or at least I do. And admittedly, I post instagrams when I need attention, or feel like I have something to prove. And I forget that other people are probably doing the same thing.

An instagram can say: I have friends, we love each other and we did not fight on this trip. Look at my nice clothes, I’m not in debt, I am doing a good job at living.

I think everyone posts because they want to feel a pat on the back, they want to feel relevant, and they want to show their friends from different eras that they are high-value. I don’t think this is inherently bad. It’s just insecure. And kind of human. I’m on such a two-things-can-be-true-at-once kick right now. It’s like a bell that rings in my head when I start to take things at face value. I obviously like social media, and I like advertising my hot friends as much as the next girl. I want everyone to know that I also have fun, and I want people to think my life is good. But social media kinda flattens complexity. Like, things can look awesome, and be mostly awesome, and things can go wrong and be not perfect, and you can be struggling and still look really pretty in a picture.You can be depressed on vacation. You can post with a friend who has been really pissing you off lately.

When you’re pretending to be perfect online, you can also perform digital surgery to cut the 12 pounds you gained from quitting nicotine. Yes, I love facetune, but I digress. This blog is not about social media. It’s about friendship, and wanting to feel like people think you’re perfect. LOL.

The thing is, you can’t curate real-life friendship to look the way you want it. You can’t filter your friends to make them the way you want them to be, and you can’t use light tricks to make yourself look like a perfect friend, either. This doesn’t bother me, because I prefer to hang out with people who are transparent about the fact that their life, their job, and their relationships are not always perfect. I don’t expect my friends to be perfect. And they sure as hell know I’m not. But I actually think it’s annoying when people try to give off the impression that things are perfect for them. Like, ok. You go live your perfect life then. I will view it from instagram, because I actually feel kind of black-mirror hanging out with you, and listening to your filtered version of reality. Spooky!

Side note: I spent a good amount of time editing and rewriting this blog post to reflect on my friendships from all different eras. Then I scrapped that, because it felt easier to write about where I’m at right now. So the point of the blog is adult friendship. It started out being about friendship breakups, as per DM requests. But I scrapped that too, because I am not really writing an advice column here (though I would, separately). So I am doing a mini think-piece on authenticity, and I wound up bleaching most of the authenticity out. I did just get sat down and laid into by my parents, regarding my transparency online. Not a good conversation. So. This blog is definitely a product of the times.

You could say I STAY stuck in high-school, or middle school, or college. But I deleted most of the blog that addresses anything of substance about my friendships, because I don’t actually feel like being super authentic right now! It’s more fair to say I enjoy my memories, and I’m obsessed with cross examining myself. I like to ponder what the hell I was thinking at the time, while appreciating that I was having a lot of fun. And it’s okay to remember that I did think that outfit was cute when I left the house, even though it’s fugly as hell when I look at it now. I don’t get too worked up about what I dummy I’ve been, because I allow myself to change a lot. Or I force myself to change, because I hate being a dummy. I think part of why this blog has been in the editing phase for awhile is because I don’t want to sound like a dummy. Or like an asshole. Ultimately, my goal was to offer some perspective on what made me a good friend, or what made me a bad friend, and how I learned from that. I feel very kind when I try to help people avoid the problems I’ve faced. I fear I have operated in the dark very often. I wish I hadn’t.

I think I have always been a fun and entertaining friend. I can also be insightful, and I will talk through problems. I make my friends laugh. I am engaging. I’m tapped into restaurants and travel because I like to look these things up online! So I can plan a good trip or a fun night out. I am pretty type B aside from my hands-on approach the dining and travel. All good qualities in a friend. It would be up to someone else’s preferences to decide if I am bestie, or just a regular friend. Many people have not wanted to be friends with me at all. Maybe my good qualities don’t do it for them. Maybe they hate my bad qualities. No shade!

My bad qualities: I have been a stubborn bitchy friend, and I openly struggle with mental health, and alcoholism. I can be very unserious and sometimes I try to get away with being very unhelpful, because '“I don’t feel like it” is a very honest answer. Sometimes my honesty can be rude. These are my negative qualities. The stubbornness could go unnoticed. Someone who was never really my friend would probably emphasize the mental health stuff. And someone who bought me drinks at the bar would probs bring up the alcoholic behavior. The bitchiness is a quality that is saved for people I am in close-friendships with. Someone who I had a falling out with would probably emphasize the bitchy parts. And I can admit that I’ve have wandered aimlessly across the line between being assertive and sticking up for myself and being mean. Now that I’m older, when I’m a bitch, I actually mean it. When I’m mean, it’s def on purpose. But I cringe at the times I acted this way on accident in my younger years.

Aside from all that, I am super enlightened. So when I talk about people I used to be friends with, I bring up the good and the bad (two things can be true at once….). I bring up the good so I can pat myself on the back for picking good friends and having such a fun life. The bad, so I don’t get upset about the loss of friendship, and so I can rest assured that I am totally in the right for not having this person in my life anymore. As I age, I realize that people are just as human as I am, and I’m trying to give more grace. Two things…true at once. Though I’d prefer that everyone I’ve ever come in contact with think highly of me, and talk about how I’m really great and awesome to anyone who would listen. I want everyone to gather around talking about me, and leave in agreement that there’s literally nothing wrong with me, I’m perfect. I want lots of grace.

While I won’t be airing a bunch of juicy and detailed gossip on this go round, I want to be fair: drama and gossip is fun. It’s fun to know things about people who seem to be perfect (like ME *if I didn’t drill down so hard on the fact that I’m not perfect at all). It’s also fun to hear a really bad story, and be like, OMFG, thank god that didn’t happen to me. Or, like, I’m so glad it happened to her, otherwise she’d be perfect, which would be super annoying. I have so many stories that prove I am not perfect, and I constantly share them. My parents would really like me to tell more stories where I do seem perfect. I’d like to find the balance, which is also why I held off on detailing my friendship history. Truthfully, I was told that I am in a self-deprecating slump, and that it doesn’t make me look good. It’s very important to look good, so you can be treated well. I forget this sometimes. But my family likes to remind me: being flawed is like being a leper. While reading this, please remember I am perfect, and I have no flaws. If I accidentally let it slip that I do have a flaw, know that I am kidding. I definitely do not have flaws.

The fun part about drama (in my opinion) is going beyond the facts to psycho-analyze why anyone would do the things they do. Gossiping in an abstract way is really just philosophizing, if you think about it. It makes you sound like less of an asshole, because you’re not harping on names or specific stories, just theory. In fact, it actually makes you smarter to do this. Smarter and superior to everyone else in the conversation. So instead of people saying you’re a major gossip, they’ll say you’re a wise philosopher king. And obviously everyone will want to be your friend, cos then you're guaranteed to psycho analyze the shit out of them, and use super dense and intimidating language in normal conversations, which is a real joy to be around. You don't have to keep it light to be fun! Don’t get me wrong, I definitely balance out my genius philosophizing with a good old fashioned gossip sesh, when I am absolutely forced into it by my less-enlightened peers. So gossiping is fine, as long as youre cosplaying an academic when you do it, at least some of the time. Everyone will think you’re smart, and not at all mean. But dumb yourself down sometimes, because you don’t want to make anyone jealous of your brilliance, or resentful about your puritan resistance to gossip. Gossip is fun.

I’d like to confidently say I have never been a bad friend before, but I got to writing, and wound up sharing about more than a few times where there is some suspiciously dark grey area. I’m still going to take my time to preach about friendship like I’m a God, and then I will detail my friendship Resume in a part two, when I can be nicer about myself, and less shy and self conscious about spilling stories. Maybe. Obvi the preaching comes first, so my friendship resume can only discredit me after you took my word as bible. That might make you feel very foolish for ever listening to me to begin with. Or maybe I will make peace with myself, and share a candid and ultimately positive life story that is very moving and insightful (I put alot of pressure on myself for these silly little blog posts, by the way). For now I just want to talk about how my friendships have changed in adulthood, and how I manage that.

Preaching and Rambling

What I can say with certainty is: not everyone is bestie. Including me. When I was young, there were times I wanted to be bestie and wasn’t awarded top slot. Soul crushing. It taught me that I like to have at least one friendship where we are each others #1. I have also been slated as someone’s bestie when I didn’t really want the title, or responsibility. Like, I actually didn’t really wanna be friends. I was dragged for this friendship-situation. I stand by my belief that you shouldn’t be contracted into friendship responsibilities that you don’t feel comfortable with, with people that you don’t want to be friends with. I think it is probably important to communicate that. My mistake in many of my early friendships was not communicating properly. I also had a habit of slow fading friendships when I noticed a difference in morality. Which like, I’m not sure what morality looks like for 11-16 year olds, but I felt pretty strongly about my own. And trust me, I was not at all a hypocrite…..

This isn’t something I want to focus on right now, but it was definitely worth mentioning.

Luckily, the definition of bestie changes as you get older. Or the definition of friendship always looked different for everyone, and that just becomes more obvious as you get older. By my understanding of the tiers of friendship, it sometimes works better with a busy-adult lifestyle to have several #2 or #3 level friends, so your eggs aren’t all in your bestie’s basket. Because your bestie might be at a wedding, or having a baby, or something random like that. Fact of the matter is that we are adults now, and your friends will be focusing on building their own life, which probably looks pretty different from yours, because you aren’t life-partners, and you aren’t raising a family together, you’re just besties.

By the time you’re a real adult, you are kind of your own #1.

I didn’t really think this hard about friendship until I got sober, if I’m being honest. Not to sit on my sobriety-enlightenment high horse for such a long time, but it’s really comfortable, and I think it’s where I belong. I’ve been on different morality high-horses since I was like, 11, which doesn’t make me pretentious, it makes me philosophical. So yeah, being a literal angel in my sobriety really helped me understand what I want from friendship, and it gave me the ability show up and be a present and engaging friend, and demonstrate to myself what I am willing and able to give.

What I wasn’t expecting is that I would make myself my own #1 bestie in sobriety. Which put me in a really good position to examine myself in relation to others. Like, I deserve good things, and good friendships. I can give myself access to both, and I can set boundaries to ensure that I don’t have shitty things or bad friendships. If I don’t have good friendships, at least I have myself, and my self respect. Like, I will always have myself to hangout with. Which was a good thing to discover, because I am going to be living with myself, like, forever. Luckily I do have good friendships, and I have people to hang out with. But that’s the mentality.

While I don’t think you need to get sober to be a better friend (unless you’re an alcoholic), I do think it will be super enlightening for you to hear about my own enlightenment, Ok? I think you’ll walk away a better person, after reading my sermon:

I think it’s a healthy practice to analyze your friendships on the reg, and be introspective, as long as you’re willing to be disappointed. Disappointment is a good indicator of what you want in life, and where you’re willing to put effort into improvement. The more I do this, the less disappointed I am with my friends. Like, if a friend isn’t meeting the bar I’ve set for them, I readjust the bar instead of asking for more. Maybe they can give me more later, or maybe they were always meant to be a #3 type friend, cos they were giving everything they were willing and able to give.

I usually will do a little prodding if I am unhappy with a friendship dynamic, but I’ve noticed it makes more sense to just meet people where they’re at. That, and I can slow-phase the friendship out of my life if I’m really all that stressed about it. It also helps to consider where you’re situated in someone else’s life. You can definitely, like, have conversations with your friends…about the friendship. I think people often wait for a fight to offer explanations or ask questions about what’s going on in a bestie dynamic. I think it’s probably healthy to do this sort of thing in real time, before friendships get to the point of breakup. Because maybe you’re just not meant to be besties, but you could be fine friends. You’ll experience much less disappointment in your everyday, too, by talking about things, and asking for what you want. I’d personally rather get a concrete answer rather than trying to read someone’s mind, or assuming their perspective when I’m actually just projecting my own. Even if the answer isn’t really what I want. It’s allows for guided action. I love writing so vague like this. What the fck am I talking about. I get it, but I’m not sure about anyone else. Whatever. My blog. This is what happens when you delete grounding stories, by the way.

After all is said and done, it’s still empowering to reorg friends in your head, instead of being mopey and sad about imperfect friendships, or dynamics not being the way you want. Like, I used to get sad when I would see instagram stories of two mutual friends grabbing drinks without me. I wanted to be invited, and I wanted to be tagged in the story, looking pretty and happy, like I was having a lot of fun. Sometimes I only wanted to be invited places so I could repost a story on instagram, to show a bunch of people I never talk to that I am definitely alive and breathing, relevant, and having a good life. It definitely took some manual thought to understand that friendship isn’t really meant to be a tag-team mission toward relevancy. I also needed to humble myself to understand where I was situated in some of my friendship dynamics. It was really shocking to discover that I wasn’t everyones #1 best friend and top priority, even though I gave them no reason to feel that way, and they were not my #1 friend, either. It’s really hard sometimes, to remember the world doesn’t revolve around me. Or worse, that everyone who knows me by my first name doesn't think about me 24/7. What else are they thinking about?

It helps to process yourself as kind of a supporting actor in other peoples life, who doesn’t get featured in every scene. You’re the main character in your own life though, so you can definitely go do interesting things, and give your imaginary audience something to watch, so they don’t change the channel and watch your friends at the drinks-date you weren’t invited to. If you stop looking at instagram for a sec, come down to earth, and use your time to do something even semi-productive, you will have more self worth and autonomy, and not care as much about things like invitations. You’ll see people when you see people. Maybe it’s easier for me to say this because I moved to the suburbs, and I’m not really prioritizing socializing right now. It’s kind of a nicer way to say touch grass, but it’s true. And it really does help, when you focus on yourself, to not get resentful and burn a bridge. It’s not necessary or fun to deal with a burnt bridge, in the short or the long term. I guess I am more enlightened now than I used to be, though. I have definitely kept friends around purely to avoid loneliness, I’ve bitched about friends for hurting my feelings. I’ve held grudges, I’ve avoided hard conversations, and I have definitely burnt bridges.

I went a long time not having a very high standard for friends. I had a lot of friends (yay!) and that was kind of the end-goal, so I was very happy. I had my best friends, who I relied on in my entirety and showed up for in a way I am proud of. Aside from that, my friendships existed because I wanted to have options for plans every time I wanted to do something, I wanted to know everyone in the room, and I never wanted to spend a second alone.

It was fine if some people I hung out with made me feel super insecure, or unstylish, or kind of like a loser, as long as we wanted to go to the same places and talk about the same stuff. Maybe we were bound by a group chat, or a mutual friend that kept scheduling dinners. That was really fun when I prioritized plans over my feelings. I now realize I’d much rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t make me feel great. At least when I’m alone, I am the main contributor to my moods (good or bad), and I know how to make myself feel better (for the most part).

My standards still shift on a by-person basis, because I don’t need all my friends to serve all purposes. I just don’t need any friends that make me feel shitty or who like to yuck my yums. People I am friends with now want to build me up as much as I want to build them up. It’s really obvious that we’re on the same team. This goes for my closest friends, and the friends I see every so often.

I think the major difference in how I look at friendships now is that I have an understanding of who’s who in my life, and more importantly, who I am, and who I want to be. In the past I wanted to be around as many people as possible all of the time, because I wanted my life to feel full. I expected positive emotions to flood in with popularity and the kind of life that I could post all over instagram. Like most people, I wanted to feel special and important, and pretty and loved. I wanted my best friends to like me best, and I wanted every stranger to want to be my friend. I thought if that opinion of me was shared on a mass scale, the good feelings would feel better, and I’d feel them for longer, and my whole life would pretty much feel shiny and amazing, and nothing would ever go wrong. And it’s not the reality.

Luckily, in adulthood, there isn't really a popularity contest. I think people prioritize different lifestyles, and whoever has your dream life kinda sits in the position that kids would call “cool”. Like, if you want to belong to a country club, the in-crowd at the country club are the cool popular people. Same goes for fashion, and tech, and the arts. The people doing and earning and achieving whatever accolade in their industry are cool. If you want to live an outdoorsy life, the people who…seek out really great hikes….are cool. I don’t know that many outdoorsy people, so I actually don’t know how to deepen the metaphor. But what I’m saying is, I don’t really think that avid skiers and hikers are concerned about what the country club people are up to, or what’s going on in the downtown fashion scene, or at the Sothebys auction.

Admittedly, I always hated the word popular, because it felt synonymous to “good enough”, or “likable” or “worthwhile”. It felt like a gross word in my mouth. I would string together sentences and come up with riddles to avoid saying the word popular. Probably because it seemed to refer to the people who were in the coolest group, and I was not in the coolest group. I wanted popular to mean having a lot of friends, or a lot of people knowing your name, because then it described me. And I wanted to be good enough, and I didn’t want to have to be in the right group to feel that way. I don’t really feel bad about this, but the fact is: I’ve never naturally fit the mold of what it meant to be cool. I brushed shoulders or had short lived bestie-flings with people who were considered cool, but we never really had great friendship-chemistry. This didn’t really bother me at all, because I always felt like the quantity of friends I had, or the way people knew my name made me cool-enough. And maybe I thought the cool or popular kids were a bit too superficial, or vanilla, or I told myself they weren’t very funny or smart. I would hold onto the fact that I didn’t like fake laughing with these friends, and I didn’t like how awkward and not-myself I felt when I hungout with people I deemed cooler-than-me. Maybe I used worse adjectives to describe the people who were cooler than me because I actually thought I was pretty cool sometimes, but in a totally different way. Since we were not the same, and they were technically cooler, someone had to be in the wrong, and obviously by my narration, it wasn’t going to be me. This was before I realized two things could be true at once, of course. And it’s possible that the cooler kids thought I was a bit too off-beat, or weird, or awkward because my fake laugh was really obvious, and my conversation skills made me sound like I was being held at gun point (I default to this kind of awkwardness when I feel unnatural, I can admit that). I think people sometimes have trouble admitting there is something they like about me, and something they hate about me. I am a polarizing personality, and I know this. It definitely makes it hard to understand where I sit in social circles. Regardless, it always felt very far-off to achieve popularity, or cool-girl-status, and I’d have to do a lot of heavy lifting and social climbing to get there. From my vantage point, social climbing was both shameful and humiliating. I didn’t ever feel like doing that, because I liked my social situation and my friends, and my dignity.

I think the whole concept of popularity was magnified for me, because the call was coming from inside the house. My mom was a high-school cheerleader, and I’ve heard many stories that prove how popular she and her friends were. She really encouraged me to try harder in that way. I was always a few steps away from being cool-enough and good-enough. Like, I was pretty and well dressed and came from a good family. It was just the integral parts of my personality that are corny and off-beat holding me back from being the creme de la creme, very most popular girl. So if I could just change myself in a significant way, I’d be perfect. If I capitalized on my friendship with so-and-so, I’d check every box. Only I didn’t like hanging out with so-and-so. Which was actually my fault, because everyone loves them, including my mom. A potential friendship with someone cooler-than-me happened at least once during every era, and I always let myself miss the boat. Because like I said, I was always comfortable with my social standing. I always saw myself as popular, honestly, even if I refused to use the word out of shame (because it’s really embarrassing to call yourself popular, and it’s even more embarrassing to say it and be wrong). It shouldn’t matter. It’s semantics. All I’m saying now is: I never really felt a flood of positive emotions from having a lot of friends, or from having cool friends. So I kinda stopped caring about it. I always felt my best having friends where I didn’t have to think twice about acting like myself. It’s really fun to not feel awkward in social settings. Like, way more fun than thinking about whether you’re acting cool enough.

Don’t get me wrong: I do love having friends I can tote around and brag about. This has nothing to do with coolness or popularity, and everything to do with the fact that I appreciate having friends who are better than me. In ways that matter. Like, I want smarter, funnier, nicer, more outgoing, more stylish, richer, prettier friends. I was saying before that I wanted my friends to be authentic, and not have perfect lives. But I have to keep saying: two things can be true at once. You can be beautiful, and your boyfriend can still be an asshole. This is very girl-power coded, it’s humbling, it’s anti-jealousy, and it teaches me a thing or two when I watch my funny smart and beautiful friends be very poised and resilient in life. It is also selfish. I was taught from a young age that your friends are a reflection of you. So I really lean into the cheerleader effect in my friendships. Sure, I may get hit on less if I’m not the hottest and most charismatic girl in the group. But then my friends will slowly get into relationships one by one, til I am the only one left to hit on at all! Patience.

I also get that jealousy can be a really intoxicating drug for people, even with their friends. Personally, I like when my friends are worth being jealous of. Their good qualities rub off on me, or at least reflect on me and make me look good. And that’s what friendship is all about, isn’t it? Making each other look and feel and perform your best? And just having soooo much fun together? And making everyone else jealous, instead of getting jealous of each other? Like: I want pretty friends so I can post them on instagram and make everyone super jealous. And the kicker is: I actually like all of them!

In all seriousness, I choose not to be jealous of my friends because I enjoy having friends that are worth being jealous of. It’s aspirational. I get to reap the benefits as if it were me. Because my friends are good sharers. And you usually wind up being a sum of your closest friends.

I’m not being entirely facetious about this. I learned this perspective this in an extremist way when I had cystic acne in high-school. I felt that I had to depend on my beautiful baby-skinned friends for any sort of social benefit. While it was a pretty torturous situation, I think it purged any bit of jealousy from my body. Bad things can have good side effects, is what this tells you. I also have been getting micro needling for the acne-scars, like, 12 years later. So bad things can also sit with you. I still don’t see myself as being desireable, for example. We work on things. I don’t know if I can micro needle the damage from my brain, though.

I used to roll my eyes when my mom would say “You run with the dogs you’re a dog”, even though it is a very real statement. My mom always cared about reputation, and she was trying to get me to understand why I should not hang out with kids who smoke weed. Now that I am not super defensive about my friends behavior, I really do see where she was coming from. But at the time, with my besties, I would go to battle against anyone who bad mouthed them. I stopped doing this when I had a friend who didn’t do the same for me in return, and now I just let people fight their own battles. So in both instances, I would defend my friends against any bad mouthing, while also feeling super judgmental towards them myself. I knew how bad it was to be a Dog, and I was really mad at my besties for being Dogs. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t be more perfect, so that I didn’t have to feel that way. Looking down on your friends is a bad way to feel. But like most kids, I wanted to be a good girl in the eyes of my parents, and I knew that following the rules meant you’d be considered good, and probably would be liked by your peers. So it really pissed me off when my friends behaviors got in the way of that, honestly. Even if I wasn’t being influenced directly by their bad behaviors. Or even if I was (because I was a hypocrite when I was a little kid, and I eventually did start smoking weed with them). This mixed feeling about moral issues continued through high-school and college, and manifested in different ways. Like, I judged a friend of mine for sleeping with a guy on the beach when a party got crashed, but a year later I slept with my boyfriend in a car parked at the beach. It was different because I wasn’t actually in public, it was in a CAR, and the guy was my boyfriend, and it’s ME we are talking about.

Of course, now I am 27 and not 17, and I recognize that it is not my place to judge right or wrong, because I have only lived life from my perspective. I think about things like subjectivity, and grey area, and the fact that……two things can be true at once……. I like to assume that most people have good intentions, and I believe my friends are good people and not Dogs, even if they make a mistake or do something dumb. I also recognize that I am not a Dog. No one is a Dog. We are humans.

Also, now that I’m 27 and not 17, I recognize that life doesn’t really put you in the presence of your peers all day everyday. Your friends life choices don’t really reflect on you as much. Their behaviors do, but that’s not the same thing. I think your friends wealth reflects on you more in adulthood, because of weddings and taking trips to their nice homes and things of that nature. But in your adulthood, I think friendships become more solid because you have known and understood each other for longer, and ideally, you look past things like wealth and access, and keep people around based on personality and character. I went through a cycle where I hung out with people because of the promise of an invite to their Hamptons house. But then you have to think: will I have a good time trapped in the Hamptons with these people? Or would I rather be with good company, regardless of location? It took a ride on the LIRR to figure out the right answer to that question. I would hang out with my best friends anywhere. If I wouldn’t hang out with someone in a waiting room, I would rather not hang out with them in the Hamptons.

When dynamics first started shifting in adulthood and I realized it, I was kinda like WTF. I felt blindsided. It didn’t happen quickly, but I didn’t pay attention to the signs. All of a sudden, I was no longer a #1 priority for my friends. This is because friendship wasn’t necessarily a #1 priority for them at all. And it always was for me. Work, and romantic relationships, and managing life actually does take priority for a lot of people when they reach a certain age, and that wasn’t obvious to me until it started unfolding in real time. Like, my besties are still my besties. It’s just an isolating age, seeing that majority of the friends I’ve had for years are entering a different chapter than me (and the same chapter as each other). I am doing something different in the way that I’m single, doing a career reroute, and moving around. One may say I am doing the career reroute so I am happier being independent, and have something I enjoy working on (my creative endeavors, that is). But that wasn’t my original plan. I had kinda planned to focus on friendship forever, I guess. I loved bringing my boy-toys around my friends. In fact, I barely liked to hangout with them 1:1. Now it appears all my friends prefer to be 1:1 with their boys. And it seems like that is something I now need to consider, too, even though I still feel it’s a bit too soon for me to settle down. It’s just hard to not be doing the same thing as my besties. Like, we are not on the same page. And that’s sad.

Being a friend takes effort, and having a friend feels like a privilege. I do feel grateful and privileged to have a handful of close friends, and a few besties. Obviously I don’t see them as much as I wish I could. I went to the grocery store today, so I could socialize with the grocery store clerk and see some human life. (I am isolating willingly right now, but I don’t actually like to be totally alone). I went to California this summer after feeling particularly isolated, and spent a whole month sleeping on my best friends couch. It feels like I can’t really find the right balance of actually seeing the people in my life. My friends in New York have been insisting I come stay the weekend, so I am not isolated in the Burbs. But after a long weekend couch surfing, all I want is to be in complete isolation, answering to no one. It sounds dark, but I think it’s just an imabalce. The good news is, I do have friends, and my friends do care about me. I am grateful that they put in the effort, and recognize my loneliness, despite my good attitude about it all. I wonder if I am maybe not concealing my loneliness all that well. I am writing a whole blog post about it, after all. And I do kind of feel coddled when my friends invite me into New York for the weekend. I hate feeling pitied, of course, but it is really comfortable to be coddled.

And of course I want to maximize the time I spend with friends because I enjoy being around them, and I know they enjoy being around me too. Even if they pity me a little bit. It’s a relief to be at the point in life where authenticity in your friendships is obvious, because there are definitely phases where you wonder if your besties actually like you (right? or is that just me being borderline?). And sometimes you learn that they kinda don’t, and it sucks, and you make new friends, and move on. Or you realize they do like you, but they kinda treat their friends like shit, and you don’t really want besties like that, actually.

So I know now what quality friendship looks like, and I want to be there for my friends, I want them to be there for me, and I want fun travels and good memories and the promise of a fun future together. I don’t necessarily need a buddy to hold my hand and do activities. I learned how to do that alone. In fact, there are some things I actually prefer to do alone. Like go to a museum, and skip the rooms I don’t care about, and read the plaques for as long as I want to. When I was still moping and feeling confused about my adult friendships shifting, I hadn’t yet prioritized myself and I wasn’t yet making the most of my alone time. Like, I became my own bestie at a certain point. That really helped.

It became obvious that you have to make real effort to see the friends you actually want to see when you get older. People have busy lives, apparently. Especially when they get into relationships, and have hard jobs, or get into med school or law school, or a relationship, and then it’s a priority to see not one but two families, before even considering seeing friends. There are way more adult-events than I ever knew about surrounding babies and weddings, so people are often obligated to Not hang with me, and do that instead. Of course it can also be a challenge, because your social life isn’t laid out for you with school-wide events or sports. So you do have to get things scheduled, and come up with what you’re going to do. I did go to Villanova, and word does spread when “everyone” is making the Hajj to Philly to see a nova game. That makes it easier to see my friends in Philly, for example. Or I can just go to a Knicks game now and see all the Villanova people I run into in the West Village. Go Knicks. But in all seriousness, I put in a lot of effort to call and chat with friends, and get updates on their lives, because we don’t actually see each other alot. Of course when we do, it’s like no time has passed. I just forget that, when I go so long not seeing my besties. I was so butthurt that I was penciled in-between workout classes and errands for quick lunches. At first I let myself be sad, but I am starting to feel better about it, because I am coming up with good stuff to put on my schedule, too.

I have had less of a chaotic plot over the past year or so, and I have had less life updates. Really, what I have been focusing on is maximizing my alone time with hobbies, and trying to lay the groundwork for a creative career. But where I used to spend every day hanging with various friends, making plans, and feeling like a total socialite, I’m now alone. This is by choice. I used to send out mass texts that said “where we at”. I’d kinda shop around for the best plan, make pit stops at plan B and C, see where the day takes me, text a few more people. Now I’m literally answering that question for myself. We are at home. At the end of the day, I am literally coming up with stuff for myself to do.

It was hard to figure out what I enjoy doing when I first stopped obsessing over friends and plans. Because that was my whole life. If my friends ever couldn’t hang out, I was I forced to doom scroll and fight internal battles about what a loser I was, not having anything to do on a weekend night. I literally became a non-playable-character without friends or plans.Which is kind of depressing. When I sobered up and started spending more time alone, I felt weird about not knowing how to fill up my solo time. I knew I wasn’t an NPC because I had a vibrant personality and lots of interesting stories. But when I didn’t have friends to prompt me, I was definitely really comfortable acting like one.

Now I have fun doing my paintings, and my drawings. I post on my socials, and when I need to actually socialize, I meet my friends for dinner. I say I want to go out, but when we get the check I change my mind, because I don’t actually want or need to meet any strangers. And that’s how life is going right now. I wouldn’t say I’m in an era where it’s like: WOW, how thrilling. Her life is a MOVIE. But I am actually okay with that. Because even when I was doing all the right things (socially), and posting photo dumps where my life looked full and fun and a lot like movie, it didn’t feel like one. But other people are still doing that, and that’s fine. I just don’t feel very on the same page right now. It’s like depression, but not. So when I meet up with friends to catch up, it felt weird and bad to say what I’ve been up to. Like: yeah, I was struggling with how much free time I had, since everyone else in my life is so busy. But now I do some stuff!

It also felt bad not having any news to share, because I always thought my main contribution to friendships were my hilarious anecdotes. I always felt closer to my friends when I would to share my updates with them, get a reaction, and hear their perspective. I just haven’t had the same level of major updates as my friends, who are moving in with boyfriends and getting engaged. So my stuff doesn’t really feel worth sharing, and that can be sad. But there’s a very likely chance I spent so much time talking about my crazy stories over the years, that the scales are just now being balanced. When I sit back and listen, and ask questions, and maybe offer some vague perspective like I’m doing here, I feel like a better friend.

Ultimately, what I’m saying is, I have come to learn that I am not the main character in everyone’s lives. And my life isn’t always going to be interesting, and sometimes I need to hunker down and grow in quiet, because my friendships are pretty moderate. and my social life isn’t buzzing. I’ve definitely been in somber periods like this, and at least this time I am doing something tangible with my time instead of looking at everyone else have an awesome life on instagram.

It’s a bit of a relief to be in hibernation. I don’t always need to be On and Performing to be valid. I don’t need status or compliments to feel good about myself. My worth isn't measured by how interesting my life is. And I say that now, but when I have something interesting come up, I know I’ll want to crazy-grip the mic for a few hours. And maybe I do still crazy grip the mic a little bit, and maybe I am painting a slightly inaccurate picture of myself right now. I feel no shame going over an entire situation 5 times, from 10 angles. I don’t mind rehashing the past when I get bored. My friends have made it a point to tell me that I’ve gotten better at NOT doing this, which means they don’t really like it to begin with. But they let it happen. I think I’m permitted because I am a good friend in return, and I do a lot more listening now than I used to, and offer up so much genius when they ask me for advice, because I have that philosophical tendency. I also ask my friends a lot of questions about the people in their lives. So when it’s my turn, I prompt for hypotheticals, and ask my friends to answer questions, role-play style, from the POV of my last situationship. Then I say: do you think they still like me? I have no idea why they don’t think this is fun. But I do know I get to use my designated sharing time on this, because I earned it.

Moral of the story: you should be fully aware that you and your friends are on the same team, even if you’re not playing the game all the time. By building them up, you build yourself up. And it’s easiest to do this when you understand your friends and their intentions or motives. So my friends and I build each other up, we are good listeners, and we stick together through hard times. By doing this, we can more quickly and easily unlock the fun parts of life, and enjoy that together. It’s like: drama free era. That’s always the goal, and I’m just glad I found people on the same page. Everyone is busy, and life is hard, and friendships ARE a reprieve from all that. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a best friend or two who will jump down and dig you out of the trenches, or sit in the trenches with you and listen to you moan. Not everyone will do this, because not everyone is bestie. And not everyone needs to be. Sometimes it’s fun to emerge from the trench, shower, and go hang with the clean friends who never got dirty, and didn’t know how disgusting you got down in that trench, either.

And sometimes it is better to spend time alone, with no friends at all, and to be intentional about it. You have to learn what you like in order to know what you need. From life and from relationships.

Life does get easier when you learn what makes bestie, who is bestie, and how you can actually show up for yourself and be your own bestie. And that’s probably the best approach, because the way you treat yourself teaches other people how to treat you. And if you’re good with yourself, you’ll be good alone, and you’ll make sure you’re in the right crowd, because you realize you don’t really need a crowd at all. When you get to this point, and make to choice to have besties, and friends, and recurring characters in your life, they’re definitely going to be the right people. Because you don’t really settle for less.

I guess the bigger question here is what’s the point of friendship? And do the people in my life have the same answer as me?